I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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