Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
