why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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