I wish I only lived at night.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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