I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Randomize
