dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
