I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
