an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
