You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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