Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
