Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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