can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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