i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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