i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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