my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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