I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
