i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
