He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My dick has a subreddit
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
