roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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