careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
