so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
