They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
