Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
