The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
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I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
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I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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