God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
