she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
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If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
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You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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