Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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