The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
