i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
