Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
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The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
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Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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