I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
