Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
