Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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