ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
