I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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