I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
