A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Your penis caused this!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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