He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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