i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Alive.
So much puke
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
