i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
