My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
