Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
