He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
