I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
