Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Randomize
