We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
