Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
