some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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