I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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