i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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