I will die if light touches me.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
