Don't make out with my wife yet
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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