I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she told me i tasted like america
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
