I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
